The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. Someone once told me that, and I don’t care enough to look up who actually said it. 

Well, here it is, the “I DON’T CARE”. Yeah, I wasn’t there before. Yeah, I’ve fucked up by not being a good friend in the past, but if there’s ANYTHING I’ve learned it’s that it’s never too late to make amends. That no matter how close you are with someone, you cannot forsake your relationship with them just because you feel comfortable with them. The mindset that “Oh I see this person all the time, so he/she will understand if I cancel plans with them” is wrong. The mindset that person will always be there for you, just because they always have is wrong. It’s called taking advantage of someone. And I am guilty of doing just that. It’s human nature and I’ve done it and I can freely admit it. And what’ve done to show that I know its wrong is to try, reach out and try to get my old friendships back on track. I’ve done these through several ways, and I feel that I guess this is just a lesson learned. I knew I never truly felt like I fit in in high school, so I guess that’s just always how its going to be. and as depressing as that is, I’ve given up on trying to salvage whatever it is I once had because life just doesn’t have that in store for me right now. It upsets me though. What did I do wrong? Did I hurt them? I would love to sit down and talk it through with them, but honestly I’ve never been the type to create drama out of nothing. 

I have tried. No one likes planning events because of how difficult it is to get people together, and I HATE being that person, but I tried as hard as I could. The worst part is that people lack the respect to even respond. Again, I’m no saint, I lack this quality as well. I get lazy. I see an event invite and sometimes I just don’t care enough to respond or say I can’t go. I GET IT. But I fought through that, I tried to be ungraciously persistent because this was important to me. This was a personal priority. I thought that my determination would pull through, but that’s just the problem of someone who cares too much. Then I realized that the reason that I myself would not respond to event invites was because I didn’t care enough. So I’m applying that reasoning to this situation too. The ones who responded cared and on some level, felt the way I did and wanted to to feel the togetherness, the friendship and the bond that we used to share every day. 

I sat and I felt sorry for myself. I threw a self-pity party and hung banners that said, “No one likes you” and “No one cares”. But you know what, I’m starting to care less and less. 

I will always care for my friends. Always. I will genuinely ask you how your day was or how you’ve been. I will listen intently because I am not just curious about your life, I care. I’m not always physically here, and I get busy all the time, but I care. But right now I do not care about trying anymore.